drunkenpandaren (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
drunkenpandaren) wrote2006-10-31 12:43 am
drunkenpandaren) wrote2006-10-31 12:43 am
Crack Fic - Naruto Fic
Fear it. It's the Naruto fic that I wanted to write to lampoon the super!Naruto fics as well as the FourthsKid!Naruto fics. Take both and blend.
“Hmm… most distressing.”
Sarutobi, the third Hokage let out a long held breath. His pipe unlit and clenched between his teeth, he gnawed a little on the end of the long bamboo pipe. In his hands he held a legal document that glowed a slight blood-red colour. “So the day finally came. Naruto has turned twelve years old.”
Moving over to the window that overlooked the whole of Konohagakure, the Hidden Village of the Leaf, the elderly man seemed to be revitalized in a way. He moved to the door and opened it sharply, disturbing the guards who stood there. “Go and fetch me Uzumaki Naruto please.”
“Yes Hokage-sama,” said the first to his left and the man vanished in a blur of motion.
The Third had little to wait as soon a surly looking Naruto was brought into the room. In his hands he carried a little muffin that was topped with a single melted down candle. It seemed that the ANBU guard had indeed took him away from his own private celebration. “Hey, old man,” said Naruto gruffly, a little put out that he was interrupted from his one-day-a-year celebration of his own existence. “What’s up?”
“Just whom I wanted to see,” smiled the Third and he waved the ANBU off. Ushering Naruto into the sparsely decorated office, he sat Naruto down and sat down next to him, pulling his wheeled chair about. “Naruto, I have been waiting for this day for a long time.”
“Hmm?” asked Naruto, mouth full of muffin. Swallowing, he asked, “What, it’s just my birthday. Not like anyone celebrates it with me.”
“Oh ho,” smiled the Third and he ruffled Naruto’s hair. “Naruto, can you read this for me?”
Naruto took the paper that glowed red and scanned it. “I, Kazuma Arashi, of sound mind and body hereby bequeath all of my possessions to my next existence, and… and…” Naruto pointed at the paper. “What does this say?”
“Ah, it says…” the Third squinted at the atrocious handwriting and shrugged. “I have no clue. But go ahead and read on.”
“Okay. I leave the majority of my wealth to my sensei Jiraiya and Old-Man Sarutobi to hold onto. Jiraiya I also leave the first chapter of his precious novel to him. Now for the clause…” Naruto frowned. “This is like a legal document or something? It’s not really formal.”
“Go on,” urged the Third.
Naruto skipped down a few lines past the divvying up of the person’s possessions and said, “Now for the hard part. This seal will certainly kill me, but if the second side effect happens, I wish for you to seal my memories for twelve years. If the people are obstinately assholes, I want you to remove the seal and elevate me to Hokage immediately. It’ll piss off the council, trust me on this Sarutobi. With pranks in mind, Kazama Arashi.”
Naruto looked up at the Third who was beaming down at him. “Ne, who’s this Arashi guy anyhow?”
“He is you, Naruto. You are the reborn incarnation of the Fourth Hokage, Kazama Arashi.”
Naruto blinked. “… me? I’m the FOURTH?”
“Yes.”
“Wow…” said Naruto, wincing as loud cries of outrage could be heard. “Sounds like they found the prank now. I kinda wish I didn’t do that now.”
Sarutobi looked out the window. Sure enough, timed buckets of paint had splashed across the Hokage Mountain and there was already an angry mob of Jounin and Chuunin outside the tower. He couldn’t help it: he laughed.
====
Crack Fic
Written by Shaun Garin
Kishimoto owns Naruto
====
“Good morning angry mob!” howled Naruto as he walked out of the tower, wearing a big foxy grin on his face. The angry mob stared in shock as he was dressed rather oddly for the occasion.
Naruto was wearing the white and red robes of the Hokage and wore the official hat. He made a V shape for victory on his fingers and at the top of his lungs proclaimed, “FEAR ME BITCHES AND BASTARDS, KAZAMA ARASHI IS BACK!”
There was a deafening silence. And then one of the Chuunin who had worked with the Fourth once before fell over foaming.
====
“This is no joke,” said Naruto as he wandered into the halls of the Academy. “It’s all legal and the bastards on the council can’t stop me.”
“Indeed,” smiled the Third, laying his hand on his best friend. After releasing the seal on Naruto, or rather Arashi’s memory, the 26 year old man had once again walked the earth. The first thing he did was prove that he was Arashi to the angry mob who had been sceptical for a moment with a casual body flicker. And then he vanished down the street in what people realized was the Fourth’s trademarked move. “What do you intend to do now?”
“Well, first sack the Academy staff except for Iruka. I’m going to reassign em to crappy jobs for a while till I stop getting mad at em for my crappy life. I tell ya, this is great Sarutobi, I have a new lease on life, and I intend to make people quiver in fear of the names Kazama Arashi and Uzumaki Naruto once more.”
Throwing the doors of the classroom open, he proclaimed loudly, “IRUKA-SENSEI! YO!”
“YOU’RE LATE!” bellowed Iruka with the same force before he noticed Naruto’s apparel. “Naruto… where did you get those robes?”
“They fit good huh?” grinned Naruto. “Fear it Iruka-sensei, I’m Hokage now!”
“WHAT?!” shrieked half the class. The other half stared in blank shock and Iruka gaped at Sarutobi who was standing behind him, smiling widely.
“This… isn’t a joke Hokage-sama?” inquired Iruka, stammering.
“I know it’s a lot to take in Iruka, but Naruto here is the reborn Fourth. Please treat him like a normal person until we restructure Konoha in a flaming glorious revolution.”
Iruka didn’t know if he was going to pass out at the Third acting like a kid, or the fact that Naruto of all people was in fact Kazama Arashi, the legendary Fourth Hokage.
“There’s no WAY the dead-last could be the Fourth,” remarked Uchiha Sasuke, his eyes glaring holes into the mini-Hokage. “He can’t do a basic Bunshin to save his life.”
“I know, I was always bad at that, even as Arashi,” said Naruto, grinning. “But check this out!” His hands flickered into seals and he exclaimed, “Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!” Immediately the room was filled with robe-wearing Narutos. “How do you like me now, Sasuke-bastard?!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” scoffed Uchiha.
“Oh? What about this?”
====
“Geez Naruto, Hokage or not, stop making us work,” grumbled Shikamaru as he and the mini-Hokage had wound up being the last returning from the half-destroyed Academy building. “We needed to help work on cleaning the remains of the wall you blew out with that Rasengan.”
“Eeeeh, sorry Shikamaru. When you make Jounin I’ll assign you to cloud watching. Deal?” grinned Naruto, playing on his friend’s weakness.
“Paid for it?” inquired Shikamaru and Naruto nodded, wanting to get into his good books. “You just may be the best Hokage EVER.”
“So Naruto, what’s it’s like being Hokage?” inquired Ino curiously. Once Naruto had demonstrated effectively that he was indeed in possession of all of the Fourths memories and abilities, he had many people accompanying him for lunch. Chouji had jumped on the chance of free food as well as Ino who wanted to grill him for information. Shikamaru came along because he had nothing to do.
“I’m expecting the paperwork that I never got around to doing kicking me in the ass, that’s for certain,” laughed Naruto. “I remember since it was the war, I was always skipping out on paperwork.”
“I can’t believe you’re Kazama Arashi, Naruto,” said Chouji in between bites. “That’s so cool. What kind of jutsu did you use to de-age yourself?”
“Well, I used one that summoned a Soul Reaper to my side and then it pulled the Kyuubi into me. There was a SLIGHT chance that my body may de-age and I’d become a baby, but the leaning was that if I survived, it was a one in a million chance. Fortunately I took the chance to set up some legally sound documents. Pretty much I set it up that if I did survive and the people feared me and hated me, I’d be reawakened at twelve and then ascend to Hokage immediately.”
“How did you get that to work?” inquired Ino, aghast. “And what was that about the Kyuubi?”
“It’s inside me,” said Naruto, poking his stomach. “I’m it’s jailer. People call us Jinichikuri, human sacrifices. I did it to myself willingly because I wanted to seal it away. Ideally someone would have put it into a newborn, but there were no kids born on the night of the final battle.”
“The chances of you surviving, a million to one,” said Shikamaru, shaking his head. “Insane. I’ll be Uchiha is shitting himself now because you’re officially our Godaime.”
“Well, actually I’ll be the Fourth still, officially anyhow since the council won’t accept me as the Fifth until I get brought up to date. That’s odd how I can serve two terms, but meh.” Naruto shrugged and added, “They’re saying they want to bring back my sensei to teach me more stuff and train the muscle memory in my body first.”
“Who was your sensei?” asked Chouji.
“Jiraiya of the Sannin.”
"Francis, my throat is sore. Be a good lad and cackle maniacally as I make my exit." - Brent Sienna.
Best analogy I can think of right now.
“Hmm… most distressing.”
Sarutobi, the third Hokage let out a long held breath. His pipe unlit and clenched between his teeth, he gnawed a little on the end of the long bamboo pipe. In his hands he held a legal document that glowed a slight blood-red colour. “So the day finally came. Naruto has turned twelve years old.”
Moving over to the window that overlooked the whole of Konohagakure, the Hidden Village of the Leaf, the elderly man seemed to be revitalized in a way. He moved to the door and opened it sharply, disturbing the guards who stood there. “Go and fetch me Uzumaki Naruto please.”
“Yes Hokage-sama,” said the first to his left and the man vanished in a blur of motion.
The Third had little to wait as soon a surly looking Naruto was brought into the room. In his hands he carried a little muffin that was topped with a single melted down candle. It seemed that the ANBU guard had indeed took him away from his own private celebration. “Hey, old man,” said Naruto gruffly, a little put out that he was interrupted from his one-day-a-year celebration of his own existence. “What’s up?”
“Just whom I wanted to see,” smiled the Third and he waved the ANBU off. Ushering Naruto into the sparsely decorated office, he sat Naruto down and sat down next to him, pulling his wheeled chair about. “Naruto, I have been waiting for this day for a long time.”
“Hmm?” asked Naruto, mouth full of muffin. Swallowing, he asked, “What, it’s just my birthday. Not like anyone celebrates it with me.”
“Oh ho,” smiled the Third and he ruffled Naruto’s hair. “Naruto, can you read this for me?”
Naruto took the paper that glowed red and scanned it. “I, Kazuma Arashi, of sound mind and body hereby bequeath all of my possessions to my next existence, and… and…” Naruto pointed at the paper. “What does this say?”
“Ah, it says…” the Third squinted at the atrocious handwriting and shrugged. “I have no clue. But go ahead and read on.”
“Okay. I leave the majority of my wealth to my sensei Jiraiya and Old-Man Sarutobi to hold onto. Jiraiya I also leave the first chapter of his precious novel to him. Now for the clause…” Naruto frowned. “This is like a legal document or something? It’s not really formal.”
“Go on,” urged the Third.
Naruto skipped down a few lines past the divvying up of the person’s possessions and said, “Now for the hard part. This seal will certainly kill me, but if the second side effect happens, I wish for you to seal my memories for twelve years. If the people are obstinately assholes, I want you to remove the seal and elevate me to Hokage immediately. It’ll piss off the council, trust me on this Sarutobi. With pranks in mind, Kazama Arashi.”
Naruto looked up at the Third who was beaming down at him. “Ne, who’s this Arashi guy anyhow?”
“He is you, Naruto. You are the reborn incarnation of the Fourth Hokage, Kazama Arashi.”
Naruto blinked. “… me? I’m the FOURTH?”
“Yes.”
“Wow…” said Naruto, wincing as loud cries of outrage could be heard. “Sounds like they found the prank now. I kinda wish I didn’t do that now.”
Sarutobi looked out the window. Sure enough, timed buckets of paint had splashed across the Hokage Mountain and there was already an angry mob of Jounin and Chuunin outside the tower. He couldn’t help it: he laughed.
====
Crack Fic
Written by Shaun Garin
Kishimoto owns Naruto
====
“Good morning angry mob!” howled Naruto as he walked out of the tower, wearing a big foxy grin on his face. The angry mob stared in shock as he was dressed rather oddly for the occasion.
Naruto was wearing the white and red robes of the Hokage and wore the official hat. He made a V shape for victory on his fingers and at the top of his lungs proclaimed, “FEAR ME BITCHES AND BASTARDS, KAZAMA ARASHI IS BACK!”
There was a deafening silence. And then one of the Chuunin who had worked with the Fourth once before fell over foaming.
====
“This is no joke,” said Naruto as he wandered into the halls of the Academy. “It’s all legal and the bastards on the council can’t stop me.”
“Indeed,” smiled the Third, laying his hand on his best friend. After releasing the seal on Naruto, or rather Arashi’s memory, the 26 year old man had once again walked the earth. The first thing he did was prove that he was Arashi to the angry mob who had been sceptical for a moment with a casual body flicker. And then he vanished down the street in what people realized was the Fourth’s trademarked move. “What do you intend to do now?”
“Well, first sack the Academy staff except for Iruka. I’m going to reassign em to crappy jobs for a while till I stop getting mad at em for my crappy life. I tell ya, this is great Sarutobi, I have a new lease on life, and I intend to make people quiver in fear of the names Kazama Arashi and Uzumaki Naruto once more.”
Throwing the doors of the classroom open, he proclaimed loudly, “IRUKA-SENSEI! YO!”
“YOU’RE LATE!” bellowed Iruka with the same force before he noticed Naruto’s apparel. “Naruto… where did you get those robes?”
“They fit good huh?” grinned Naruto. “Fear it Iruka-sensei, I’m Hokage now!”
“WHAT?!” shrieked half the class. The other half stared in blank shock and Iruka gaped at Sarutobi who was standing behind him, smiling widely.
“This… isn’t a joke Hokage-sama?” inquired Iruka, stammering.
“I know it’s a lot to take in Iruka, but Naruto here is the reborn Fourth. Please treat him like a normal person until we restructure Konoha in a flaming glorious revolution.”
Iruka didn’t know if he was going to pass out at the Third acting like a kid, or the fact that Naruto of all people was in fact Kazama Arashi, the legendary Fourth Hokage.
“There’s no WAY the dead-last could be the Fourth,” remarked Uchiha Sasuke, his eyes glaring holes into the mini-Hokage. “He can’t do a basic Bunshin to save his life.”
“I know, I was always bad at that, even as Arashi,” said Naruto, grinning. “But check this out!” His hands flickered into seals and he exclaimed, “Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!” Immediately the room was filled with robe-wearing Narutos. “How do you like me now, Sasuke-bastard?!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” scoffed Uchiha.
“Oh? What about this?”
====
“Geez Naruto, Hokage or not, stop making us work,” grumbled Shikamaru as he and the mini-Hokage had wound up being the last returning from the half-destroyed Academy building. “We needed to help work on cleaning the remains of the wall you blew out with that Rasengan.”
“Eeeeh, sorry Shikamaru. When you make Jounin I’ll assign you to cloud watching. Deal?” grinned Naruto, playing on his friend’s weakness.
“Paid for it?” inquired Shikamaru and Naruto nodded, wanting to get into his good books. “You just may be the best Hokage EVER.”
“So Naruto, what’s it’s like being Hokage?” inquired Ino curiously. Once Naruto had demonstrated effectively that he was indeed in possession of all of the Fourths memories and abilities, he had many people accompanying him for lunch. Chouji had jumped on the chance of free food as well as Ino who wanted to grill him for information. Shikamaru came along because he had nothing to do.
“I’m expecting the paperwork that I never got around to doing kicking me in the ass, that’s for certain,” laughed Naruto. “I remember since it was the war, I was always skipping out on paperwork.”
“I can’t believe you’re Kazama Arashi, Naruto,” said Chouji in between bites. “That’s so cool. What kind of jutsu did you use to de-age yourself?”
“Well, I used one that summoned a Soul Reaper to my side and then it pulled the Kyuubi into me. There was a SLIGHT chance that my body may de-age and I’d become a baby, but the leaning was that if I survived, it was a one in a million chance. Fortunately I took the chance to set up some legally sound documents. Pretty much I set it up that if I did survive and the people feared me and hated me, I’d be reawakened at twelve and then ascend to Hokage immediately.”
“How did you get that to work?” inquired Ino, aghast. “And what was that about the Kyuubi?”
“It’s inside me,” said Naruto, poking his stomach. “I’m it’s jailer. People call us Jinichikuri, human sacrifices. I did it to myself willingly because I wanted to seal it away. Ideally someone would have put it into a newborn, but there were no kids born on the night of the final battle.”
“The chances of you surviving, a million to one,” said Shikamaru, shaking his head. “Insane. I’ll be Uchiha is shitting himself now because you’re officially our Godaime.”
“Well, actually I’ll be the Fourth still, officially anyhow since the council won’t accept me as the Fifth until I get brought up to date. That’s odd how I can serve two terms, but meh.” Naruto shrugged and added, “They’re saying they want to bring back my sensei to teach me more stuff and train the muscle memory in my body first.”
“Who was your sensei?” asked Chouji.
“Jiraiya of the Sannin.”
"Francis, my throat is sore. Be a good lad and cackle maniacally as I make my exit." - Brent Sienna.
Best analogy I can think of right now.