PTSD

Jun. 16th, 2011 12:12 am
drunkenpandaren: (No Snake Think Harder)
I take things too hard.

I think I need a place to jot this down without anyone judging me right now. And I know they're not, but still, I feel like I need to get it off my chest.

I distrust mods. So much. And irrationally too. Ever since Dive I felt like they were here to screw me over. And thus, I distrusted them. It's hard trying not to project this onto people, but when things get rough, I feel like slamming my head against the wall and yelling. But it's not going to help. Why? Because I know deep down they're not here to screw me.

I just feel like I need a new hobby recently, one to take me out of RPing, get me something to do like gardening or chores. I dunno if it's the apathy talking but recently I've been feeling like I need to drop games when I really shouldn't NEED TO. I just feel like I HAVE TO because I have no basis in the way that I feel this poorly. I have these emotional upswings and downswings and it frustrates me.

Yes I am on medication, there's a slight anti-depressant in my tourettes medication. I still need more of it to be honest but I'm not dependant completely.

I just feel like it's hard to break off from this cycle sometimes. When times get tough and RL gets harsh, my RP fun suffers and I snarl angrily behind closed doors like the proverbial Tazmanian Devil.

So if I do get mad, and snarky and whatever, remind me politely I need to back off from the subject. It really isn't healthy for me to let a bad experience ruin my fun and life.

Or I might just do what Totalbiscuit has done with WoW, and quit the games I love entirely.

And no one wants that.
drunkenpandaren: (Foamy)
It's barely noon and my day has been complete and utter shite. It is like punishment from God since I got up this morning and it hasn't stopped one bit to give me a moments peace before I completely lose it. Really, I am worked up, tired, angry, frustrated and it never stops screwing up.

Not only do I have a terrible headache and headcold, but the stress is mounting day by day in order to find work. If I could get work I could but I can't do anything unless I get a call back. I've submitted my application to a lot of places over the last few weeks and I haven't heard from anyone at all which is upsetting. Even more upsetting is that ma is apparently on the frickin warpath today, calling me useless on top of things and lazy.

Yeah, way to be supportive ma. Really. Just go ahead and say things that hurt my feelings, never apologize for it and feel like you're the victim here. Fantastic you should win an award for that.

I dunno, between this, the DDOS absolutely ruining my entire mood for RP for the last MONTH to say the least of the snails pace Spamalot turned out to be, I just want to get out of the house and do something constructive. However I already DID THAT this morning, and now I'm stuck in front of the comp again.

Kyle's coming home to what I figure is going to be a shitstorm since he also forgot his medication here at the house. He's totally buggered if he doesn't have it so he has to come back. Or I go there. But after ma's angry ANGRY tirade this morning I'd rather just give a metaphorical middle finger and not go anywhere.

Sigh.

What a clusterfuck this day has been and its only Tuesday. Goddamn really. Makes me want to drink harder sometimes.
drunkenpandaren: (BlackMageExplinations)
Boobs.

Now that I’ve gotten your attention, welcome back to the Shaun LJ Podcast in which I ramble about things from a cynical and jaded perspective that usually doesn’t suit my fancy but today we’ll be talking about things that people like to debate and yet scream angrily about, writing angry letters to congress about.

Rape Culture. Yes, those sensitive flowers can move along on this, this is going to be highly inflammatory and at best, a sociologists nightmare. I know it gives me goosebumps just writing these words.

in which I get ranty )
drunkenpandaren: (Are You Stupid?!)
Ladies and gentlemen welcome back to the Shaun Livejournal Podcast. This is me reporting on an issue I've noticed, and some people forgotten what they're really HERE for. I'd like to start off with a little quote to begin the issue at hand.

"In the end it is your quality time that matters, and how you spend it is completely up to you. If you're not enjoying what you're doing, get out and do something else." - Totalbiscuit, Azeroth Daily

Sager words from a sage man who is bloody hilarious at times. Which brings us to tonight's point: Livejournal RP.

While everyone knows my feelings on this matter, I'd like to address that in the end it is a game. A game that on can pick up and drop depending on how things go. You will find people who you dislike considerably, and people who you love. People who you enjoy being with are banned, and some who you dislike readily will be put on pedestals of "win and love".

In the end though, what did you accomplish being there? There's memories, oh yes, but you have to wonder if you're spending it constructively, in your own definition of constructive. How in the world do you do this? Well, you look at yourself and ask yourself "Is it still fun?"

From there, you just debate on it for a moment. Is it worth staying for it? Is it? Really? Did you make any friends? Did people who you liked become jerks in their own way?

Really, its all up to the player who decides where he or she is going. Because in the end, Livejournal RP is only a bare minimum of the internet. It really HAS NO BEARING on real life. RL > RP and there's always room for stuff you want to do in anything.

I'd like to close this with a little statement of Tycho Brahe's: "To excel at a game, it has to become some kind of WORK. I've made my peace with Last Place years ago."

This to me, speaks on the other side of the spectrum, and really, it is up to you as a person to realize what you need to do, what you need for yourself.

Just remember, when it ceases to be fun, do something else. The same goes for life in general (except work, death and taxes), and certainly goes for games created for people's enjoyment. You may comment, but don't get inflammatory or call me out, whatever. This is just two cents and I'd like any responses to be civil. Anyone who doesn't will be tossed off my journal post-haste. There is no anon here, so take it like a man.

Gah

Oct. 5th, 2010 11:08 am
drunkenpandaren: (WowRage)
Ladies and Gentlemen my name is Shaun of the Gamer Podcast This is my Gaming Life WTF coming to you live on livejournal dot com with another ranty rant disguised as a tldr short.

Okay, so I found the configurations menu for FF14 and with that being said, I turned down all of the settings to the absolute lowest detail, shadow resolution, etc.

Is it really necessary for FF to run at beautiful polygons even at the lowest possible setting? It doesn't make the game smoother, just choppier. I am rather disappointed in that considering my computer is about ten years old.

I'd love to play this at it's full intensity, but I fear I need way more RAM to play this properly, and I'm maxed out at 3. Looks like Square, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make the game beautiful and not simply functional like say Warcraft.

Although what gameplay I do get out of it is a lot of fun. Crafting items is especially rewarding, but I shouldn't roll a pure trade skill character anymore, not if I want to sate my need for blowing shit up.

Some people might note that I seem to be gripey this morning well there's a good reason for that. Last night I went to bed round 2 and woke up at 3:45 believing there was someone lurking in my room. After ten minutes of sheer panic and hoping they'd go away, I fumbled for my glasses like a sightless kitten and turns out it was just a shadow. a really convincing shadow no less.

So I went down, babbled to Ketsu a little on the comp, and got my mage up a little more on WoW. Seriously. Worst Night Ever. And here I am caffinated just to stay awake and alive cause I'm afraid the gruelies'll get me. Like having something stalking you from the fifth dimension.

Yes it is 10:50 in the morning I GET THAT. doesn't do much for panic though.

Ever notice old movies where people are driving vehicles, they're always mindlessly waggling the steering wheel back and forth? Or when people play video games on television or movies, they're just hammering at the controller, not even really doing much of anything. I find that odd because real gamers don't jump and roll with their character like how it was believed in Nintendo where you'd swing the rectangle controller up Mario would make that jump. No it doesn't work. Still, it's a shade better than playing a game and discovering that all you have for offensive capabilities is Throw Rock and by god I am not joking about that. A level 4 Culinist, thats food makers for short people, has the ability to throw ROCKS at things. Oh, and just to not put a fine point onto it, you can learn "Wrist Flick" which will throw, wait for it, ANOTHER rock. But this time so hard it stuns.

Or misses.

Or does 2 points of damage.

Basically put Culinists are NOT good for fighting, I learned this the hard way, and I rerolled a Thurmagist. Wasn't too impressed either, not with the nancy Umbra and Luna spells. Give me FIRE yon Final Fantasy of worth! Flames for the flame god!

I'd be playing WoW right now but it's down for the count till after noon. Maybe I should poke FF again once I'm done mucking with the settings. Really, I have to turn FF OFF in order to change the settings. How bloody fantastic is that, really. Like forcefeeding a gnome till they grow big as an Ogre.

Oh speaking of that, I made a character on WoW, a fire mage in anticipation of the patch which won't drop today I'd imagine. I FINALLY got my bloody pyroblast and I know that once I login somehow I will have lost that ability. Don't ask me how but at least I macroed Dragon Slave to it. With some modifications. What rhymes with Set the Tank on Fire and send him into the mobs. Hey, it works for Binwin Bronzebottom and Jim Darkmagic, why not in WoW.

Along with making her purely fire I also added a profile. And being a short stacked tiny chested fire mage with pyromatic tendencies, I named her Tillywink Explodia Inverse. The Pink. Yes I am hitting on all of the cylinders this morning shut the fuck up. One of the moments I included was she likes to eat, which is a basic concept amidst spellcasters. You cast spells, you burn calories, you eat until you are full and you burn things with searing immolation AGAIN, it's like a vicious cycle that doesn't end when you hit 80. Well in any case, some weirdo Draenei Priest whispered me while I was running out of Goldshire, or as I like to call it the Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy, and never more often has that been appropriate in WoW. Don't ask for details, they're probably horrifying and filled with horse****ed women. Yes, it's weird don't ask don't tell.

Getting back to that, the priest wanted to quote "feed me until I was big as an ogre". Apparently he has some kind of food based fetish or fat girl or something. I'm sorry but mages DO NOT GET FAT. We burn CALORIES. We blow up shit. Our daily food intake is directly proportional to how much stuff is set on fire, looted and set on fire again to make sure it doesn't reincarnate as an Elite Mob. That and the entire concept was just disturbing to me. At least I can be rude OOCly and ICly because Tilly has no remorse if she pisses someone off. She'll just laugh at their character sheet.

At least I'm in the Draenei starting zone now, so I can immolate to my hearts content. Although My fireball does NOT do enough damage over time damage. Twelve bloody points oh woo freakin hoo. I should go pick up the glyph that lowers my fireball cast spell by .15 but removes the tick. They'll be dead anyhow, or already on fire from Ignite. It's a toss up.

Can't wait for that, Ignite I mean. The talent's been retooled and I find it really very easy to pull a lot of mobs with a single Fire Blast. It turns your Blast from a single target into an AOE damage ability. Hits the target, and then hits everything ELSE around it at the same time. Coupled with instant Flamestrike we are looking at a lot of damage. And I just know that somehow I will feel emasculated once the patch hits because I worked SO damn hard for level 20 for my portal and blink and evocation and most importantly Pyroblast, and when I get my new talents, it'll just respec and they'll hand it to me on a silver platter. With a 3 second cast time no less. Yes, that's a lot of fun. Down from 6 which is RIDICULOUS. Why would anyone even USE pyroblast unless it was for the proc. Honestly.

This has been Shaun with the last of my short. I'll see you next time.

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drunkenpandaren

May 2013

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