PTSD

Jun. 16th, 2011 12:12 am
drunkenpandaren: (No Snake Think Harder)
I take things too hard.

I think I need a place to jot this down without anyone judging me right now. And I know they're not, but still, I feel like I need to get it off my chest.

I distrust mods. So much. And irrationally too. Ever since Dive I felt like they were here to screw me over. And thus, I distrusted them. It's hard trying not to project this onto people, but when things get rough, I feel like slamming my head against the wall and yelling. But it's not going to help. Why? Because I know deep down they're not here to screw me.

I just feel like I need a new hobby recently, one to take me out of RPing, get me something to do like gardening or chores. I dunno if it's the apathy talking but recently I've been feeling like I need to drop games when I really shouldn't NEED TO. I just feel like I HAVE TO because I have no basis in the way that I feel this poorly. I have these emotional upswings and downswings and it frustrates me.

Yes I am on medication, there's a slight anti-depressant in my tourettes medication. I still need more of it to be honest but I'm not dependant completely.

I just feel like it's hard to break off from this cycle sometimes. When times get tough and RL gets harsh, my RP fun suffers and I snarl angrily behind closed doors like the proverbial Tazmanian Devil.

So if I do get mad, and snarky and whatever, remind me politely I need to back off from the subject. It really isn't healthy for me to let a bad experience ruin my fun and life.

Or I might just do what Totalbiscuit has done with WoW, and quit the games I love entirely.

And no one wants that.

Aw Damnit

Nov. 19th, 2010 08:51 am
drunkenpandaren: (SoNotAmused)
Earlier in the week, mom figured that we weren't going to go to Calgary since the weather is pretty poor at best. This suited me just fine. Kyle's a big boy after all, he can go visit the doctor without having to have mom and me hover over his shoulder. But no. She's going to endure the long trip there (against my wishes in several ways) and we might even have to stay overnight if the weather turns bad.

That is unacceptable in my eyes. For most reasons that she SHOULDN'T be travelling! Doesn't anyone but me realize the gravity of the situation? Mom, you're recovering, you shouldn't BE in a vehicle! But no. She wants to go there and then we'll probably go to Susan's where Kyle's stays and UGH it's a round trip of more than five hours. D:

I should be trying to reason her out of this anyhow. I mean, it's her back. That's a LOT of sitting altogether. 2 hours there, 1/2 to an hour fighting traffic. Wait time of 30-40 minutes for Kyle to get into his appointment with Dr. Latigan. Back another hour to fight across town. Drop him off, mom'll probably want to visit too if Susan's there. Best case scenario if she isn't then we fight across town for another 30 min to another hour, and take a two hour trip back home.

Yeah. Doesn't anyone else but me see this is such a BAD IDEA?

EDIT: Bad idea resolved. I called Kyle asking if he was already planning to come home and he said yes, so collectively talked mom out of coming to Calgary.

Gogo power of brotherly effort.
drunkenpandaren: (Pants)
1) Any form of McGriddle will put me to sleep for like 4 hours afterwards. Hands down. I should stick to wraps.

2) Mom and grandma started yet another series, I think it's Chinese. I should see if I could burn Kamen Rider and maybe they'd like that. Cause the poor subbing on everything is terrifying. It makes my inner writer cry.

3) I'm hungry. But grandma insists on feeding me mashed potatoes today. Why? Is it like potato fest or something? Seriously? Just by itself? Nothing like say turkey or whatever? Meh.

4) I should go get something to eat. But I don't want to get potatoes crammed onto my plate.

Meh

Oct. 31st, 2010 10:28 pm
drunkenpandaren: (What.)
Spent the whole day trying to get the RP drive up and completely failing. Been like this all week. So as it stands, I'm taking a break. Life goes on yes, and I'm back on my severe slowatus/hiatus for Trans9.

No sense forcing tags when things aren't working for you.
drunkenpandaren: (Foamy)
With any luck, mom is being released tomorrow from the hospital. I'm planning on calling ahead first to make sure that this isn't a wasted trip. Cause really, three trips to Edmonton in three days is asking for me to go completely batshit guano loco.

On a note of things, I need a PS3 HD cable. I have a HD tv so I need a cable accordingly. Prongs are a thing of the past!

Yeah, new PS3 now. Got myself Atelier Rorona which I'm sure I'm going to enjoy with fumbly Rorona as the leader of this party. I played the original Atelier Iris, and I still HAVE it in my game library. It was fantastic and a lot of fun. It helped that it was made during the tail end of the PS2 awesomesauce run for NIS.

The other game I got was Cross Edge (sorry Mags, I'll get those other games later!), and it's a game that I half expected to be purchased for a Kings Ransom and USED. But this time around it was a fresh copy. Never been used. I was downright pleased and quite surprised since getting a NIS game this late into the release is like finding King Solomon's Mines.

Cross Edge is a funny little thing in the realm of video games, a collaboration of FIVE different creators including favorites Capcom, NIS and a surprising addition of Gust who has deemed to get into the mainstream a little more with this. There's a couple of others such as Imagine Factory and what not, but hey, this is a game where you do power attacks while dressing people up in new costumes in order to agument their abilities.

Oh and York is a tool. I'm pretty sure he'll be even more badass later, but right now he's all Adell with less tact if you can believe that. He gives off the standard NIS Combat Wombat mentality, and isn't phased when Morrigan Aensland talks about a "burning heat in her bosom".

He must be gay or something cause Miko is a hottie even compared to the Queen of Succubus.

Percy Jackson Stuff )

Another thing though. Since mom is a big issue in my life, read I need to do everything now, I'm going to be parring back on RP officially in a bit. This means of course that every Tom Dick and Jane will ask me for tags, threads, etc. It's how it always GOES.

But I'm standing my ground here. I NEED time to readjust. There will be cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry. EVERYTHING. I am a one-man army and this is what I'm doing right now. As such, tomorrow I'm probably even going to wind up sheeting mom's BED before she lays down in it. THAT is how bad off she is right now, despite walking everywhere.

So yeah, if I don't tag or if I blatantly ignore tags in favor for mind-numbing video games or WoW or WHATEVER, don't be too mad. Because I am relaxing, I need this time before I do anything ELSE. Tomorrow before I leave I gotta call an appointment into the Lacombe Ford, and then as WELL call the locksmith for our fubared door handle.

I have a life, and right now it's another shift. If you can't understand that, it means you have nothing to do but wait on a tag.

And that's sad.

Really.
drunkenpandaren: (Foamy)
Seems like I can't get anything done RPwise anymore. The stress is too much. Effective immediately, I'm taking a break from Roleplay until my head's straightened out. Also, I may be housecleaning journals... like Estelle's for example.

Birth By Sleep is out today. I don't care if I don't have the money right now, I'm buying it. I need something to do. /plugs in the recharger.

I look like how I feel in the icon. With less foam of course but eh.

Only upside is that my phone's getting upgraded. And I may very well get a unique ring tone to it. I'm thinking W-B-X Hardboiled.

If I come out with a new KH muse from BBS, that'll be nice to do.

EDIT: Hypocrite I am. Go bug Negi. http://community.livejournal.com/trans_9/499966.html
drunkenpandaren: (Are You Stupid?!)
So Saturday rolled around again and mom is giving one of her lectures. This time she's nearly in tears and saying "If I Die" again. Those hated HATED words. I FUCKING HATE IT when she says those things. Cause it makes me feel guilt and motivation through guilt always ends badly.

As such, I need a job. Any recommendations F-list? I'll do anything short of McDonalds.

EDIT: She's crying about where she went wrong, convinced she did. I don't think she did. She raised two warm, open, caring young men who while despite their flaws, are some of the best damn kids she's ever had. We may not be one of those Western families who turn their kids loose once they reach 18, but at the same time, they're kind, understanding and even when their patience is worn thin via one thing or another, they're always there for us.

I think mom's seriously underestimating how much I care for her right now in her time of stress. It would explain why she's all D: at me right now.
drunkenpandaren: (Default)
WoW RP is similar to RP on Livejournal. You have your actions, turns, conversations but with more macros and gear to represent who you are.

Lately I've encountered a druid who Rein and Yue call Mr. Chicken who wants to change the very core of Rein into something suiting himself. How do I tell them that I don't like this? It's too creepy, and to be honest, I'm kinda worried that I have a bit of a stalker. I mean, everywhere I go, people are going "OMG your outfit's so great", "Holy crap what a great RSP profile!".

But there's a comfort zone thing happening here. I dislike Family RP with a passion rivaling Supergate explosions. Some situations it's fine, if you build to it. This is all at once, and it's creeping me out.

Sigh.

Oh Snap

Jul. 24th, 2010 10:56 am
drunkenpandaren: (No Snake Think Harder)
Gonna go see The Last Airbender today with my brother. I know everyone says its bad and the only saving grace is Iroh, but at the same time, my brother has no concept of Television to Movie sense. I'm only seeing it cause he doesn't go to the movies without me. Which I can sort of understand.

I'm more into the idea of going to The Sorcerer's Apprentice but expect me to MST3K the entire thing through. At least we're not stupid enough to see a Twilight movie. Still though, I'm going to ask him to hoof the bill or at least use the credit card for this.

More on that when I get back from it later. TLA, yeesh. XD With a 2.8 Rotten Tomatoes score, well yeah. This is RT who, like IGN, their official scale starts at 6.

I ask this

Jul. 20th, 2010 11:51 am
drunkenpandaren: (What.)
Why in the seven hells are all of the jobs on jobbank.ca labeled "to be negotiated" when you look at the pay? I mean, can't they list payment or at least a general ballpark? No, it has to be negotiate. It makes me worry really, since I wouldn't want to move out to say Wetaskiwin and then discover I'm only making 10 bucks an hour.

Job hunting, it's going to wreck me I swear.

FML

Jul. 13th, 2010 09:35 am
drunkenpandaren: (Default)
That storm I had to get off for yesterday? Yeah it's still raging.

If I'm spotty all day it means it's continuing. I'm hoping for the most part my connection remains stable so I can make with the tags by lunch time.
drunkenpandaren: (SoNotAmused)
Lately my arms have been having a lot of bumps and scars lately, and mom got worried about it. So she sent me to the doctor to get it looked at and he prescribed me an antibiotic in case it's an infection or something of the sort.

I just read the sticker warning label on it. "Avoid long exposure to direct sunlight or artificial sunlight as much as possible."

... great.

At least it's the holiday weekend, or else I'd have mom breathing down my neck. I know for a fact that businesses are closed today.

EDIT: And now mom's breathing down my neck to look for work. Joy. Yeah sure mom, I'll go look for work on a four-day weekend. Yeah, sure.
drunkenpandaren: (OMG)
So I got up this morning, dragged myself to the shower, went out without breakfast, got myself a paper, went to McDonalds for brunch and read over it.

When did all of the classifieds start stating "Don't call us, we'll call you"?

I've emailed and faxed as many applications as one could humanly go through. I must have gone through 20 faxes alone. The paperwork must weigh a pound. As such, I've got some marginal hopes for this situation.

On a note of things, it's fucking freezing out there. Why the FUCK is my brother having the door open and the ceiling fan on? Bonkers I tell you.

On the gamefront, I need to play more Johto. I keep forgetting geography and stuff and asdf. Whatever. S'what Serebii is for.

It's fucking cold in the house. And my brother's probably having his girly hot flashes.

Fuck.

Fail

May. 19th, 2010 11:18 am
drunkenpandaren: (2ndPanda)
Nothing worse than deciding you're going to go and get some lunch at McDonalds or Subway or whatever, and realizing belatedly that everyone took the vehicles when they went out today.

Apparently I don't function brainwise on a single cup of Maxwell House.

Headaches

May. 1st, 2010 11:06 pm
drunkenpandaren: (BlackMageExplinations)
You know what's the worst part of the headache? It's not the pain, it's the CONSTANT earworm of a song that always accompanies it. Today I had AGLET stuck in my head for about three hours of pain, over and over. A-G-L-E-T don't forget it o/`

Almost enough to make someone explode into a frenzy of HATE.

So, I need to turn down the graphics on my wow.

Ow Fuck

Apr. 17th, 2010 05:22 pm
drunkenpandaren: (Pwnt)
So I discovered today that the boards on the deck has finally started to rot through, so much in fact that when I put my foot down, I ripped through one and totally messed up my leg. It only hurts now and I limp a little, but I'm worried that because I got cut, I should go in for a tetanus shot. It wasn't involved with rusty nails but yeah, ow fuck.
drunkenpandaren: (Pwnt)
Really. If RP wasn't stress inducing enough, I have to be critted on my Negi by a T9 former member. And to be all perfectly honest, I'm glad they were frank about it, but if there's any more shit about that kid, I am going to pod him in less than three minutes starting now.

First Panda gets on my ass for using one of Chao's spells. Then I get critted hard for the sleepwalking. And then on top of that I'm having to deal with possibly Eva's mun going >_> about the sleepwalking too. He's got his reasons people other than just pure lulz which I intentionally was going for!

Seriously. If I get any more shit, I'm letting the mods know about the sudden drop and repodding him asap.

And then I'll app Theo or Rakan. See how they like THAT.
drunkenpandaren: (Are You Stupid?!)
Seriously, would it kill my brother to get up at a more human time and actually come out and do the work he's assigned to do? It's not rocket science! See a stick. Pick up the stick. Put stick in wheelbarrow. Return to step 1. After wheelbarrow is full, wheel to dumpster and throw out.

I've raked up pretty much a godly pile of clippings from our apple trees and rose bushes. I think Kyle needs to come out and do his goddamn part too.

Augh this guy pisses me off.
drunkenpandaren: (PrinnyPlease)
I just finished a long talk/argument with my mom. I dunno if it's just or whatever but this defeatist tendencies of mine is really getting me down. I can remember all the mean things said about me in the past and it's compiled. I remember all the screwups, all the pain, all the suffering. Everything. My most vivid memory was a McDonalds worker stating "Do you want cheese with that whine?"

And then the follow up.

"Why don't you guys give me any respect?"

"When you earn it, we'll give it to you."

I quit a few days after that.

I dunno what's wrong with me. I want to curl away and cry for the entire week. I don't want to RP, don't want to play video games, no nothing. Just sit here in my chair and emo for good reason.

I need to find a job. But I don't want to go out and apply to retail.

I need to find school. But I don't want to disappoint people anymore.

And most importantly, I'm tired of blaming everything on dad.

I just want to go and sleep today.

It's all I'm good at.

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drunkenpandaren

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